Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Just a heads-up: for the next two (or three) years, I will be incommunicado. Why, you ask so naïvely? Because I got accepted to grad school, that's why, my friend. And it's going to be nuts.

About four years ago, I sent a text message to two of my friends: "I want to teach deaf kids." Granted, this is not the most eloquent of all text messages, and looking back on it, I wish it would have been more beautifully worded. But this is what I got. It was the spring of 2009, and it was the beginning of a great passion.

In the fall of 2009, I started teaching myself sign language through youtube videos (praise God for youtube) and started inquiring about the Deaf/Hard of Hearing (DHH) program at the U. Since then I have taken ASL classes, I have observed an Early Childhood Special Education (ECSE) DHH classroom and a middle school DHH classroom, and I have been accepted to grad school.

Nearly four years of passion has been channeled to this moment. I could explode with happiness. I'm a happy crier (just ask my sister-in-law), and I will cry with happiness soon I'm sure. Yes, I do love my job, and no, I don't want to stop teaching English. But this is what God made me for. I feel a distinct calling to this position, this job.

I don't know what it will look like honestly. I don't know where I will end up teaching. I don't know how long it will take me to get through the program (though I have a projection). I don't know if God will say go to Ireland or India or China (with Hope Station??). I don't know a lot of things, but I know that I am excited and passionate and overwhelmed.

So for the next few years, as I go to school and teach English full-time, I probably won't be doing much blogging or texting or facebooking or tweeting. Maybe it won't change, but it probably will.

I don't like changes, but this is a change that I'm so excited about I can't breathe.

Magical Balls of Fluff and the End of Another Year

I sat in front of my screen door this morning, looking out into the front yard. The cottonwood trees have been a constant pleasure for me in years past, and today was the first day they seemed to free their small seedlings. As I watched them gather on the road, floating downward with soft motion, the wind picked up some. Now, it's not like they were just blown down the road. No, these little miracles formed a body of cotton, swirling in the perpetual dance of life. With the wind as a propellent, these magical balls of fluff give life to the desires of my soul. Today is my first official day of summer, and the seedlings of the cottonwood trees depict a slow dance, the peace that I want for my summer. I'm not sure I can put into words the feeling I get while watching them, but I think it's truly something akin to peace.

This week marks the end of my first year of teaching, my 20th year in the educational system. I can honestly say that this year was the most stressful of them all. I think I can also say that it was also the most rewarding of them all. Many things did not go the way I wanted, but many things turned out better than I could have ever imagined. And most of these things were not lessons or activities (though I had some success there too). No, these successes were mostly in the amazing relationships I have with my students, some of now who are friends.

The end of this year brings happiness, but also some tears. Not only does this week end my first year of teaching, but it also brings the end of some amazingly impactful careers. Two of my most influential teachers retired this week, and though I know I will see them again, it will be weird for them not to be at Anoka anymore. One is my former Humanities teacher, who taught me about life and shared with me wisdom that, in my high school career, I had never gotten before. The other is my former College in Schools (CIS) teacher, who taught me so much I don't even know where to begin. Both were influential in my formative years, and they have been indispensable colleagues.

One story, then I'm done. In January, I posted about an unfortunate event that happened in my classroom. Now that it's been five months or so, I think I can share a little bit more about that.

I had a fight in my classroom. It was not a yelling and screaming fight. It was a boxing match. No words were exchanged; they just began fighting. I can sincerely claim it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience that I would never wish on anyone. That day, I got by in a daze. A little later in my day, my former CIS teacher showed up at my door. I had gotten a lot of sympathy that day, but he just hugged me. I'm sure he asked me if I was okay, but I don't remember what I said, I just remember that hug. It was the first time I felt safe all day. Again, I can't truly describe how that felt, but those who have been through something like this will know, feeling safe again is a rarity. Now he is retired, and though I know I am safe in my building, his presence will be missed in my little world.

Okay, I have now ranted about seedlings and retirements and fights. They all seem interconnected to me in some way. This year I have learned more about myself and about the human condition than all of my years combined. I have also learned that God is essential in all of my wanderings, even though I am horrible at remembering to include him most of the time. I have been blessed by students, colleagues, my bosses, my friends (new and old), my parents, my cats, my siblings, my nephew. The list could go on and on, and I would never be able to share them all.

A few weeks ago I discovered this song, and I think it spells out the end of my year perfectly.



So in conclusion, I have had a fantastic year that has taught me a lot, and I'm sure it will continue to teach me as summer rolls on. As some of my girls would say to me,"You go girl."

All for his glory and fame.

An Acceptable Time

When I am learning something, when I am struggling to understand a specific truth, God brings to life His promises. I am learning that He has a specific time for everything, and I need only wait.

But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness. (Psalm 69:13)

His time is the best time.

"Hope is Coming for Me"

Two of my favorites:

Brooke Fraser and C.S. Lewis

Brooke Fraser is an amazing musician that always seems to get to the heart of things, and C.S. Lewis was an incredible writer than teaches me about literature and about God in all of his works.

This is a combination of the two. Please enjoy.

The Aroma of Christ

But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life. Who is sufficient for these things? For we are not, like so many, peddlers of God's word, but as men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ. (2 Corinthians 2:14-17)

It is the honest truth that those who are not saved smell the stench of death. They do not understand what it is to smell the sweet aroma that is Christ.

I want to fall on my knees. Christ, take me. Help me to be that aroma, the fragrance of Christ, spreading the knowledge of you.

There was no part of creature-holiness, that I then, and at other times, had so great a sense of the loveliness of, as humility, brokenness of heart and poverty of spirit: and there was nothing that I had such a spirit to long for. My heart, as it were, panted after this to lie low before GOD, and in the dust; that I might be nothing, and that God might be all; that I might become as a little child. (Jonathan Edwards: Personal Narrative)

All glory and honor to Christ, who endured all things so that we don't have to.

Insignificant Words that Produce Joy

I was walking home from class today, contemplating what makes me happy. I realized that my joys come from more simple things: a word, a touch, a good grade, etc. I mean, lately I have been really drawn to words that start with "W." I'm not sure you understand.

There are many words that bring me joy. Often they are little used words that are insignificant. Lately though, "W" has become my favorite letter, and words that begin with it just make me smile:

Wrinkle

Wonder

Wigglesworth, Michael (a poet)

Wit

Wistful

Whistle

Whimsical

Wish

Widget

Words

I could keep going, but I think you get my point.

The Joy of Rereading

While I was making myself french toast this morning, I ruminating over some things. The one that stands out most prominently however is my tendency to reread my favorite books. I have always thought this a sort of weakness, something like a fear of breaking out of what is comfortable. This summer, my thoughts on this tendency changed when I had an interview at the library for my dream job: stocking shelves. Although I didn't get the job (they didn't like that I lived about an hour away), I came home with a new found respect for rereading books.

Within the interview, one of the librarians with whom I was talking asked me what books I like to read. My goodness, she opened the floodgates. We then talked about books for about 5 minutes, and when I mentioned Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, she told me that she rereads it once or twice a year.

This woman inspired me to not feel shame in my desire to reread books. She is in charge of shelving and sees new books come in and out of the library all the time, and yet, she continues to reread books.

My desire to reread books was then fueled. Though I will read new books, I never again feel like there is anything wrong with rereading a quality book. I feel joy in them and want to experience it again and again. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Here are some of my favorites that I have reread at least once:

The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis (every time I finish this book, I get the feeling that I could never read again and still be happy; and that is significant when you are a reader)

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle

The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carlson Levine

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

The Lord of the Rings series by J.R.R. Tolkien

Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis

East by Edith Pattou

Peter Pan by James M. Barrie

And some I plan on rereading:

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Northlander by Meg Burden

Foundling by D.M. Cornish

Lamplighter by D.M. Cornish

The Princess Bride by William Goldman

These are not all of the books I love, but these are many that have I have either read twice or three times (or more). Hope you can find some here that give you joy like they do for me!

Happy reading and rereading!

Finding Joy Further Up and Further In

I recently finished C.S. Lewis' Surprised by Joy. I attempted to read this book when I was just a mere 19-year-old, fresh out of my first year in college. Now, as a seasoned 21-year-old, I was able to finish it all, and probably appreciate it more. Not saying that I couldn't appreciate it at that time. I did appreciate and adore what I finished, but now I was able to really delve into the depths of Lewis' conversion because I actually reached it. I would recommend this book to anyone. It is absolutely excellent.

Lewis talks about Joy, and what that means. One of my favorite quotes says,

All Joy reminds. It is never a possession, always a desire for something longer ago or further away or still "about to be." (78).

This just gives a little taste of what he means by Joy, but I think that this is significant nonetheless.

Lewis' use of the word "further" echoes a theme in his novel The Last Battle. One of the final chapters is called "Further Up and Further In." The allegory of the Chronicles of Narnia is based heavily in the Bible, but in this final installment, Lewis takes the main characters to their end and the world's end. When they are in heaven, Aslan calls them to come up "further up and further in."

As I was reading my book, How People Change, for my Titus 2 study, a women's mentoring group through Bethlehem Baptist, I came across a section called "Looking In and Looking Back." This further echoed Lewis' theme in my head. In this section, as with "Further Up and Further In," the authors, Paul Tripp and Timothy Lane, discuss heaven. They quote the image of heaven in Revelation 7:9-17. A few pages later they ask, in reference to this passage,

As you listen to the saints in eternity, can you see yourself there? If you are one of God's children, you are in that scene. You actually see your future. This is the end of your story. (42)

The combination of the two images impressed itself on my mind. Now, after reading Surprised by Joy as well, I was able to really connect everything. Joy is something we find in looking forward to the eternal home God has created for us. He asks us to seek it "further up and further in." The image that is presented in Revelation is the end of our story.

Let's seek him further up and further in.