Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Just a heads-up: for the next two (or three) years, I will be incommunicado. Why, you ask so naïvely? Because I got accepted to grad school, that's why, my friend. And it's going to be nuts.

About four years ago, I sent a text message to two of my friends: "I want to teach deaf kids." Granted, this is not the most eloquent of all text messages, and looking back on it, I wish it would have been more beautifully worded. But this is what I got. It was the spring of 2009, and it was the beginning of a great passion.

In the fall of 2009, I started teaching myself sign language through youtube videos (praise God for youtube) and started inquiring about the Deaf/Hard of Hearing (DHH) program at the U. Since then I have taken ASL classes, I have observed an Early Childhood Special Education (ECSE) DHH classroom and a middle school DHH classroom, and I have been accepted to grad school.

Nearly four years of passion has been channeled to this moment. I could explode with happiness. I'm a happy crier (just ask my sister-in-law), and I will cry with happiness soon I'm sure. Yes, I do love my job, and no, I don't want to stop teaching English. But this is what God made me for. I feel a distinct calling to this position, this job.

I don't know what it will look like honestly. I don't know where I will end up teaching. I don't know how long it will take me to get through the program (though I have a projection). I don't know if God will say go to Ireland or India or China (with Hope Station??). I don't know a lot of things, but I know that I am excited and passionate and overwhelmed.

So for the next few years, as I go to school and teach English full-time, I probably won't be doing much blogging or texting or facebooking or tweeting. Maybe it won't change, but it probably will.

I don't like changes, but this is a change that I'm so excited about I can't breathe.

Magical Balls of Fluff and the End of Another Year

I sat in front of my screen door this morning, looking out into the front yard. The cottonwood trees have been a constant pleasure for me in years past, and today was the first day they seemed to free their small seedlings. As I watched them gather on the road, floating downward with soft motion, the wind picked up some. Now, it's not like they were just blown down the road. No, these little miracles formed a body of cotton, swirling in the perpetual dance of life. With the wind as a propellent, these magical balls of fluff give life to the desires of my soul. Today is my first official day of summer, and the seedlings of the cottonwood trees depict a slow dance, the peace that I want for my summer. I'm not sure I can put into words the feeling I get while watching them, but I think it's truly something akin to peace.

This week marks the end of my first year of teaching, my 20th year in the educational system. I can honestly say that this year was the most stressful of them all. I think I can also say that it was also the most rewarding of them all. Many things did not go the way I wanted, but many things turned out better than I could have ever imagined. And most of these things were not lessons or activities (though I had some success there too). No, these successes were mostly in the amazing relationships I have with my students, some of now who are friends.

The end of this year brings happiness, but also some tears. Not only does this week end my first year of teaching, but it also brings the end of some amazingly impactful careers. Two of my most influential teachers retired this week, and though I know I will see them again, it will be weird for them not to be at Anoka anymore. One is my former Humanities teacher, who taught me about life and shared with me wisdom that, in my high school career, I had never gotten before. The other is my former College in Schools (CIS) teacher, who taught me so much I don't even know where to begin. Both were influential in my formative years, and they have been indispensable colleagues.

One story, then I'm done. In January, I posted about an unfortunate event that happened in my classroom. Now that it's been five months or so, I think I can share a little bit more about that.

I had a fight in my classroom. It was not a yelling and screaming fight. It was a boxing match. No words were exchanged; they just began fighting. I can sincerely claim it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience that I would never wish on anyone. That day, I got by in a daze. A little later in my day, my former CIS teacher showed up at my door. I had gotten a lot of sympathy that day, but he just hugged me. I'm sure he asked me if I was okay, but I don't remember what I said, I just remember that hug. It was the first time I felt safe all day. Again, I can't truly describe how that felt, but those who have been through something like this will know, feeling safe again is a rarity. Now he is retired, and though I know I am safe in my building, his presence will be missed in my little world.

Okay, I have now ranted about seedlings and retirements and fights. They all seem interconnected to me in some way. This year I have learned more about myself and about the human condition than all of my years combined. I have also learned that God is essential in all of my wanderings, even though I am horrible at remembering to include him most of the time. I have been blessed by students, colleagues, my bosses, my friends (new and old), my parents, my cats, my siblings, my nephew. The list could go on and on, and I would never be able to share them all.

A few weeks ago I discovered this song, and I think it spells out the end of my year perfectly.



So in conclusion, I have had a fantastic year that has taught me a lot, and I'm sure it will continue to teach me as summer rolls on. As some of my girls would say to me,"You go girl."

All for his glory and fame.

Coming Home

After a year, almost to the day, I have reentered the blogosphere with a curious calling on my heart. I don't know what it really means, but I know that I'm supposed to write, to share. I'm sorry for those of you who are faithful readers who have lost interest because of my absence, but I'm back now, with a different outlook on life.

Much has happened in a year. I have survived student teaching and graduated from college. I have learned I am going to be an aunt (literally within the next few days as yesterday baby was due). I have travelled to another country where part of my heart will always reside. I have read many books that have overwhelmed my soul. I have lost cats and gained others. I have been blessed with a part-time job which transitioned into a full-time job. I have students whom I adore and constantly challenge me.

But the biggest challenge and blessing came in this past week. I can't share details, nor do I really want to, but let's just say that I experienced something that will (Lord willing) only happen once in my teaching career. I know that's frustratingly vague, but to protect my students, I'm gonna keep it that way.

Because of this moment, this outpouring of emotion, my eyes have been opened to the pain of some of my students. And my heart aches. Instead of wanting to run away, I feel so much more anchored to the floor of my classroom. I have come home.

Some of you chuckle because I literally did come home. I am working at the school that I graduated from. But this is different. Because of this moment of utter pain and unguarded emotion, I don't think there is anywhere I would rather teach.

Yes, I probably will teach at another school at some point. Most teachers don't stay at the school they begin at. And especially with the Masters I plan on getting, my chances of staying at my school are little to none.

And yet. And yet I am overwhelmed. I feel a certain togetherness in my classroom that can only come from God. Instead of a splintering of souls, I feel like there is a coming together, a support system in a room of four cinder-block walls and posters.

Perhaps a little dumbly, I am going into this next week with high hopes. I know my students will not always be fantastic. I know that I will fail to teach them or be patient with them or plan something for them to learn. I know that the togetherness may not last, and maybe it's just an illusion that my soul wants to cling to, but I want to keep it.

I have hope. "'And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?'"(Esther 4:14).

Pliable

God is teaching me, once again, to be pliable.

"Pliable" by Brooke Fraser

Psalm 102:7

I didn't sleep well last night. Not a super big deal, but still, it always makes for a rocky start. Every time this happens to me, I seem to fall asleep hard right before my alarm goes off. Like within the seven minutes after I hit my snooze button.

However, this morning, I was reading my Bible and was encouraged by this little verse. It's not earth-shattering, but I really enjoyed it.

I lie awake; I am like a lonely sparrow on the housetop. (Psalm 102:7)

An Acceptable Time

When I am learning something, when I am struggling to understand a specific truth, God brings to life His promises. I am learning that He has a specific time for everything, and I need only wait.

But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness. (Psalm 69:13)

His time is the best time.

Psalm 27:8

Just shy of the 2 month mark from my last blog, I venture to it again. School can be mightily overwhelming, and as apparent from my lack of blogging, writing for school became more important than writing simple blogs.

Over this Christmas break, I have been able to sit and reflect on the Word of God, blessed also by my spontaneity in purchasing myself a journal. Now if you know my history with journaling, you would think this a stupid waste of money. I tend to struggle to fill the pages of journals. All but one that I own have only a few entries. The one that is filled consists of church notes more than journal entries. However, I now have a journal and am making significant progress on my way through it. Though the art of journaling is still a mystery for me. I sometimes still feel as though I am writing for someone else when in reality, I am just writing for me and my Jesus.

Reading the Word of God has become a staple of my mornings. My last blog post shared how I struggle when I forget to read, and since that fateful week, my Bible is the first thing I read in the morning.

I am currently reading Psalms, working my way through the poetry. A few days ago, I read a verse that has stuck out to me and continues to crop up:

"You have said, 'Seek my face." My heart says to you, 'Your face, Lord, do I seek'" (Psalm 27:8).

Every day I am drawn back to this verse. Not only do I like the way it is writing (yes, I am an English major), but the sentiment is exactly what I want. I want to seek after God's face always.

Thus, Psalm 27:8 is likely to be the verse for 2011. Now I hate to make hasty pronouncements about what will happen this year by selecting a verse for it, but this verse encompasses the prayer I have and I will continue to have. Seeking His face is something I am determined to strive after.

So, dear reader, continue to seek His face. Because without His face, all would be hidden in shadow of evil and sin.

All for His glory.

Incorruptible Love

The more I read of the Bible, the more enthralled I am with it. It's not only what the words are saying, but the words that are used that create the impact.

This morning I was finishing up Ephesians when the wording of the last verse stopped me.

Grace be with all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with love incorruptible. (ESV,
Ephesians 6:24)

Even in Paul's benediction do we see a call to purity and holiness. "Incorruptible" means something "that cannot be perverted" or "that will not dissolve, disintegreat, decay, etc." The NIV (New International Version) and the HCSB (Holman Christian Standard Bible) use the word "undying."

We are called to love Christ with an unperverted, dying, eternal love. The word "incorruptible" encompasses all that.

So, my dear friends, "Grace be with all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with love incorruptible."

The Aroma of Christ

But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life. Who is sufficient for these things? For we are not, like so many, peddlers of God's word, but as men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ. (2 Corinthians 2:14-17)

It is the honest truth that those who are not saved smell the stench of death. They do not understand what it is to smell the sweet aroma that is Christ.

I want to fall on my knees. Christ, take me. Help me to be that aroma, the fragrance of Christ, spreading the knowledge of you.

There was no part of creature-holiness, that I then, and at other times, had so great a sense of the loveliness of, as humility, brokenness of heart and poverty of spirit: and there was nothing that I had such a spirit to long for. My heart, as it were, panted after this to lie low before GOD, and in the dust; that I might be nothing, and that God might be all; that I might become as a little child. (Jonathan Edwards: Personal Narrative)

All glory and honor to Christ, who endured all things so that we don't have to.

Brief-ish Thoughts, not Lectures or Rants

So today I have a couple thoughts for you. Thoughts, not lectures. I'm good at lectures or monologues or rants, but today, I have thoughts for you.

Thought #1: I am being baptized tonight, Lord willing. It's kinda nerve-wracking. I have to give my testimony in a brief minute to two minutes. Brief is not something I do well. I almost wanted to back out. I'm such a wuss. But God brought me to 1 Peter for a reason this morning:

For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit, in which he went and proclaimed to the spirits in prison, because they formerly did not obey, when God's patience waited in the days of Noah, while the ark was being prepared, in which a few, that is, eight persons, were brought to safety through water. Baptism, which corresponds to this, now saves you, not as a removal of dirt from the body but as an appeal to God for a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who has gone into heaven and is at the right hand of God, with angels, authorities, and powers having been subjected to him. (1 Peter 3:18-22)

Thought #2: On Facebook, I was looking at a friend's little sister's pictures from her UK trip. I was almost brought to tears. Not only are Livi's pictures beautiful (all of them), but the desire that God has given me to go there was overwhelming. I just need to keep waiting. Waiting. The sign that looks like grass growing in front of you. Wait.

Thought #3: These are less like thoughts and more like subjects I'm just not elaborating on like I would like. Like I said, I'm not good at brief.

Thought #4: I love the Bible. It's intoxicating.

"See, here is water!"

Now an angel of the Lord said to Philip, "Rise and go toward the south to the road that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza." This is a desert place. And he rose and went. And there was a Ethiopian, a eunuch, a court official of Candace, queen of the Ethiopians, who has in charge of all her treasure. He had come to Jerusalem to worship and was returning, seated in his chariot, and he was reading the prophet Isaiah. And the Spirit said to Philip, "Go over and join this chariot." So Philip ran to him and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet and asked, "Do you understand what you are reading?" And he said, "How can I, unless someone guides me?" And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him. Now the passage of the Scripture that he was reading was this:

"'Like a sheep he was led to the slaughter

and like a lamb before the shearer is silent,

so he opens not his mouth.

In his humiliation justice was

denied him.

Who can describe his generation?

For his life is taken away from

the earth.'"

And the eunuch said to Philip, "About whom, I ask you, does the prophet say this, about himself or someone else?" Then Philip opened him mouth, and beginning with this Scripture he told him the good news about Jesus. And as they were going along the road they came to some water, and the eunuch said, "See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptized?" And he commanded the chariot to stop, and they both went down into the water, Philip and the eunuch, and he baptized him. And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord carried Philip away, and the eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing. (Acts 8:26-39)

My parents and I are being baptized this Wednesday (7/14) at Lake Nokomis. We would be honored if you would join us in rejoicing in what God has done through Christ's death and resurrection. Let me know if you would like to come!

All for His glory.

Broken at the Bou

Today I broke the bulk bean grinder at the Bou (Caribou if you were wondering). A coffee shop needs to be able to grind it's coffee. It's an important feature of what we do at Caribou. Serving coffee is pretty high on our priority list.

I have been at Caribou for almost four years. Yes, I do take time off for school, but I have worked every summer since I was 17. That's a long time. And yet, out of ignorance, I broke the bulk bean grinder.

I really didn't think it was that big of a deal until I told my manager. She then checked it and was like "oh no, oh no" and mouthed an expletive. I then understood the horror of what I had done.

Sitting in the lobby was the District Manager and a former store manager as well.

Oh, great.

My manager ended up having to call a guy to come and fix the grinder. My pride and self-assurance in my Caribou Coffee employment went down the drain.

How could I be that stupid? I mean, I've been there for four years! I do not screw up like this. I am not an absent-minded employee. I mean, really?

A few hours later, after continually screwing things up, I was standing in the back, drowning my sorrows in mucky dishwater. I mean I really wasn't sobbing or anything, but I was definitely reflecting on my idiocy.

Then I remembered what I read this morning in Ezra and what I promised myself I would remember throughout the day. It didn't completely apply at that moment; the significance of it really didn't click until now. But God is good and sovereign. He brought both of these passages to mind:

For we are slaves. Yet our God has not forsaken us in our slavery.... (Ezra 9:9a)

and:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you...." (2 Corinthians 12:9a)

Now both passages were not in full, but as I look at them now, I see God connecting them to my day.

Christ reminded me that I am still a slave to my sin. Pride is my weakness. It shackles me to this earth, and I am helpless to fight against it. At least I am on my own. He then reminded me that His grace is all I need. Though I am a slave, God has not forsaken me. His grace is a gift He has given me, and that gift is sufficient even when I screw up at the Bou.

These little reminders were extremely significant to my situation today. Though it seemed like just a screw up at Caribou Coffee, it was really a reminder from my all-sufficient Savior that He loves me and his grace is sufficient when my pride fails. Which it always does, and His always is. Sad that I forget that.

So today at Caribou, I screwed up. But I was broken before my God which is so much more important than Caribou Coffee could ever be.

All for His glory.

Not Just a Morning Morsel

So I've been really bad at doing my devotions this week. Like really bad. And it's really affecting my life. I can feel myself slipping backwards. It's a horrible feeling.

This morning I was heading out to open at my Caribou. It was really early. Like 4am early. I have no desire to be up at 4am. Ever. When I have kids, and they wake up and need Mommy at 4am, or when I am flying to some "exotic" place and need to be out of my house at 4am, okay, then 4am is understandable. I know this is work, and it's a priority and important. But 4am?? Okay.

4:40 rolled around, and I was all ready to head out the door, but what's the point of getting to work early when you are opening? So I sat down at the table again and opened my Bible.

I only had a few minutes to I wasn't able to read in Ezra or John (where I have been reading),but I had a book-marker at Psalm 79. A couple verses really stuck out to me:

Do not remember against us our

former iniquities;

let your compassion come

speedily to meet us,

for we are brought very low.

Help us, O God of our salvation,

for the glory of your name;

deliver us, and atone for our sins,

for your name's sake! (Psalm 79:8-9)

These verses really outlined how I was feeling. I needed to be brought low, and I was. My ache was for God to meet me there. He answered my silent, unconscious prayer.

After I finished up Psalm 79, my eye was drawn to a verse I had underlined in Psalm 80 when I read through the Psalms last year:

Restore us, O God;

let your face shine, that we may be saved! (Psalm 80:3)

The last time I successfully read my devotion, the chapter in Taste and See talked about finding a piece of Scripture to bask in all day. Not to attempt to survive on just a morsel in the morning and nothing else the rest of the day. One would starve.

I took this to heart and have tried to do this throughout the past days that I have spent time in the Word. Today, I meditated on Psalm 80:3. I needed restoration. My backsliding is unacceptable, and I needed restoration to a place where I could be in communication with Him. And with this verse, I was able to see it. My desire became to "let [His] face shine, that [I] may be saved!"

All for His glory.

A Blog About Remembering

So school is coming to a close for the year with only three weeks left or so. It sometimes overwhelms me.

There are so many projects to do. Some are fun and exciting; some are stressful and depressing. All are important.

I have to take some time and just be. I need to remember that my God is bigger than all the important projects. His purpose is for me to do more than get a good grade on projects.

Today I focused on His Word more than I have all week. It helped my mindset and my heart. Why do I choose not to devote time to Him?

It's because sometimes the world seems more appealing. But it's not. It's temporary.

God and His love are eternal.

This is a blog about remembering. A reminder for the writer more than the reader.

"We Will Dance" by David Ruis

Sing a song of celebration

Lift up a shout of joy

For the Bridegroom will come

The Glorious One

And oh, we will look on His face

We'll go to a much better place

Dance with all your might

Lift up your hands and clap for joy

The time's drawing near

When He will appear

And oh, we will stand by his side

A strong, pure, spotless bride

We will dance on streets that are golden

The glorious bride and the great Son of Man

From every tribe and tongue and nation

Will join in the song of the Lamb

Sing aloud for the time of rejoicing is near

(Sing aloud for the time of rejoicing is near)

The risen King, our Groom, is soon to appear

(The risen King, our Groom, is soon to appear)

The wedding feast to come is now near at hand

(The wedding feast to come is now near at hand)

Lift up your voice, proclaim the coming Lamb

(Lift up your voice, proclaim the coming Lamb)

A Martha Striving to be a Mary

I find that stress is something that either inspires creativity or kills it relentlessly.

I, some days, can't find the happy medium. It's like everything happens all at once, and things that you knew were looming, creep up with an overwhelming intensity that you weren't prepared for.

And it almost always happens on a Monday.

So today is a Monday, and today I am overwhelmed to the point of tears (the point, however none have dropped).

I was looking over my schedule, planning out my life for the week on my Post-it calendar (which was a gift from my mother for Christmas; amazing gift), and I read over the verses I had put in the margin. It was from Luke 10. I'll tell you the whole story so you get the context:

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister had left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10: 38-42)

I've heard this story before, but last week when I was reading it, and now when I read it again, I am amazed to realize that I am a Martha who should be a Mary. The only thing that matters is the Lord and his Word. I can just imagine Jesus shaking his head, saying "Martha, Martha" or "Kate, Kate" in an exasperated, but loving, way.

My desire for the rest of this semester (and essentially the rest of my life) is to be a Mary who chooses the good portion "which will not be taken away from her."

Transformed into Holy Creatures

Today I was reflecting on the fact that I have not blogged in a while. Life took over. Sorry.

The week of February 20th marked the one year anniversary of my kidney stone. To get the whole story, read my blog post. It was a week of remembrance for me. It was also the busiest week of my semester so far. God is good and glorious. He took my mind off my terror and gave me other things to think about.

I was reading my devotional, Taste and See by John Piper, today. The chapter was entitled, "Discernment by Desire: Finding God's Will by the Fragrance of the Holy." Honestly, I had a really hard time concentrating through it, but the last paragraph grabbed my attention:

The assumption here is that our faculty of delighting or desiring is healthy and God-saturated. And that is the great challenge of the Christian life: Be transformed in the renewing of your mind that you may approve [not just prove, but approve, that is test and then delight in] the will of God (Romans 12:2). Our great need is to be people whose delights are the very delights of God. (115)

Pastor Piper's paraphrase of Romans 12:2 really caught my attention. Now, I know that it's a very popular verse. Most everyone who has been to a conference of any sort or spent any time in the church has heard this verse, most of the time in addition to Romans 12:1.

However, do we really stop to think about what Paul is trying to tell us. Here, read it and really think about it:

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:1-2, ESV)

Now most people focus on the transforming of one's mind, and though that is EXTREMELY important, I want to focus on something else: the adjectives that describe our sacrifice and what the will of God is. The words "holy," "acceptable," "good," and "perfect" are all important to how we should understand these verses.

Our sacrifice should not just be mediocre; it should be HOLY. Like really holy. Like: "As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, 'You shall be holy, for I am holy'" (1 Peter 1:14-16).

We need to strive for that holiness. And goodness and perfection and acceptability.

So I will encourage you to read over these verses again. Meditate on them and what they mean. You don't need me to point out the truth in the Bible. That's what the Holy Spirit is for. Just keep digging in. It's totally worth every moment you spend reading the words of God.

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights of the word, holding fast to the word of life.... (Philippians 2:14-16a, ESV)

Not Idealistic Gas

After reading my Bible this morning, I turned to my copy of Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I know that I've talked about this book before, and this morning, I am going to share its wisdom once again.

I read the chapter entitled "Counting the Cost". In this chapter, or lecture as it was originally produced, Lewis discussed his comment of God desiring us to be perfect. He immediately clarifies that he does not mean that if we are not perfect, God will not accept us. Lewis believes that God wants us to strive for perfection and nothing less. But as humans we want less, and God wants to inspire us to more.

After Lewis gives an anecdote about dentists (a dentist does not just fix the hurt; he gives the whole mouth treatment), he says:

Now if I may put it that way, Our Lord is like the dentists. If you give Him an inch, He will take an ell [about 45 inches or so]. Dozens of people go to Him to be cured of some one particular sin which they are ashamed of (like masturbation or physical cowardice) or which is obviously spoiling daily life (like bad temper or drunkenness). Well, He will cure it all right: but he will not stop there. That may be all you asked; but if once you call Him in, He will give you the full treatment. (Lewis 174)

Lewis goes on to explain that this is one of the reasons Christ told people to "count the cost" before coming to Him. Christ wants us to strive for perfection in Himself: "To shrink back from that plan is not humility; it is laziness and cowardice. To submit to it is not conceit or megalomania; it is obedience" (Lewis 175).

The job of making us perfect will not be completed in this life; however, Christ wants us to strive hard after the goal so that His Father may look on us in the end and say He is well-pleased with us.

The command Be ye perfect is not idealistic gas. Nor is it a command to do the impossible.... The process will be long and in parts very painful; but that is what we are in for. Nothing less. He meant what He said. (Lewis 176)

Yahweh

I feel in adequate today. It's one of those days when you really feel your humanity. When you ache to be something more. To feel as though you have a purpose.

I am constantly reminded that I am only holy because my Lord is holy. He sanctified me from all sins. And though I am not worthy, He loves me. He sees past all my bumbling and my cursing and my stumbling. He sees past my offences and my blemishes and my outrageous stupidity. He loves me.

Get that: He, the Lord Almighty, the Creator of the universe (known and unknown), the One who knows every hair on my head, the One who knows when I began and when I will end, the One whose face shines with such glory that a glimpse of His back almost killed Moses, that He LOVES me. And better yet, He forgives me. He aches for me to desire to know Him. He is jealous for my attentions.

Why do I act as if anything is better? Why do I care about anyone else's opinions? Why can't I crave Him and Him alone?

That is what I want. Why can't I remember that?

"Moses said, 'Please show me your glory.' And he said, 'I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name "The Lord." And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy. But,' he said, 'you cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live.' And the Lord said, 'Behold, there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock, and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock , and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will take away my hand, and you shall see my back, but my face shall not be seen'" (Exodus 33:18-23).

"For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith" (Romans 3:23).